dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
You Might Also Like
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
🍛
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?