The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
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Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.