[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
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Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
#Caturday
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.