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Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
finally found a reasonable question
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”