Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
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Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
How about I get 100% off by already being there
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
What about second breakfast?
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.