[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
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i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.