No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
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Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
it be like that
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*