It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
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Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
This guy’s not having it 😆
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.