4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken馃悾 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them馃槀馃槀
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*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who鈥檚 being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it鈥檚 an improvement.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I鈥檝e been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I鈥檝e been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there鈥檚 no difference
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won鈥檛 stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That鈥檚 salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I鈥檝e read all 6 Harry Potter books.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don鈥檛 remember
what鈥檚 wrong babe? you鈥檝e barely touched your charcuberie
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life