The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
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If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?