I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
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It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Still my favorite headline of all time:
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show