a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
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Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’