Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
You Might Also Like
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything