Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
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found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls