Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
You Might Also Like
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Phonetics
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying