– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
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FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.