We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
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Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.