North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
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Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
guys i’ve cracked the code
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen