*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
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these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.