Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
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My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
are there any atheist mantises?
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.