If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
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Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work