This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
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Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”