Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
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mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.