read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
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Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no