[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
You Might Also Like
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich