This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
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Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
“i am a sweet baby”
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?