If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
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Best seat on the street 😍
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.