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Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I needed a laugh this morning.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.