Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
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lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Mummies are just super modest zombies
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls