if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
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I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.