This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
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Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.