“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
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Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Body by cheese-puffs.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
AM I BEING GASLIT????
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges