“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
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A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
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18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans