When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
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birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
🙂🙃🥹
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.