Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
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I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]