If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
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My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.