Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
You Might Also Like
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
😂😂😂
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today