Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
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Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
best first i’ve ever seen
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen