The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
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*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer