I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
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STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite