I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
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[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
o shit
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.