ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
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what do you want!!!!!!!!
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Good Morning.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*