[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
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what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
My time has come.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”