Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
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“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Good morning
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue