‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
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can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
What I say and what I mean are three different things.