My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
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If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”