i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
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This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
everyone’s a critic
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby