Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
You Might Also Like
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.