A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
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I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
*skinny dips into black hole
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.