I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”